From the Outside

Sarah Salemy ‘21

A Horror Movie

By Jojo Becchetti ‘21

After four years of thinking everything was ok

That I was better

I got sick again

And they hadn’t looked into it enough

They only diagnosed half of my illness


They didn’t look into PCOS

It explained a lot

Why I gained weight

Why my skin was discolored

Why I was still having so much pain

I still wasn’t fully living

And I had my second emergency surgery

In five years

10 masses

12 cysts

And my left ovary is mostly dead

Half of me is dead inside

As I face the fear of what a man will say

When he has to hold my hand

As we are told it is me

I cannot do what a woman is supposed to do

The fear is the not knowing

It haunts me everyday

Every pain

Every time I bleed

Every time I vomit

Every cyst that pops

Is this it?

Am I dying more?

The fear of not knowing

Puts me in a panic

Lying on the couch,

My roommate checks in

My sister complains about not being pregnant

She just found out she’s expecting

I sat and listened her say how worried she is

How she feels like less of a woman

That being a mother is what makes you a woman

That being pregnant is the best gift we can give.

But she doesn’t realize that I have been thinking

About this since i was 15.

I want to be a mother someday

So I can tell that child

I loved them so much

I got the surgeries

Took the medications

Two for migraines

Three for anxiety

Two for pain

One for vomiting

And three Motrin


I pray to an unborn child

Hoping one day I’ll get to meet them

Their ghost haunts me from the inside

But i know I will not meet them for at least three years

Until my next surgery

And my IUD is removed

If I have a partner

If I love someone

But love isn’t something I like to do

I push people away

From fear of the moon coming up

And the monster coming out

As they turn on me

For my illnesses

For my chronic pain

For the fact that I am devoted

But my body is unreliable

The boys I have been with

Haven’t cared

I bled so much I almost went to the ER

He burst a cyst in me

He ruined me

I am closed off to love

And boys

And girls

For three more years.

I am half dead inside

As I watch my friends go out and have fun

And I lay in bed crying and writhing

In pain that I should be used to

Why me?

I am a bet

Between heaven and satan below

Just how far can they push one girl?

Before she gives in

and gives up.

I run a support group for girls like me

I reach thousands

But i still can’t wear pants that aren’t high waisted

I need to hide my surgical scars

There’s six

And three of them are still purple

And bruised

Even after a year

I am a walking zombie

Half dead inside

Stumbling through the night

Looking for a future

I hide from

Who will love a woman

Who is living like a vampire

Hiding from the sun

Spending all day in my apartment

Who will love a woman

Who might not be able to deliver

On what makes a family a family

Who will love a woman

Covered in scars and tears

Running from my reflection

Ashes to ashes

Dust to dust

My heart has started to rust